Exposing The Church Girl

I have a secret to share and it's quite a big one.

I am your typical good girl.

Or at least, that is what I would "humble-braggily" share with anyone. You know those pa-cute moments when you say this while tucking your hair beneath your ear, "Ay, I am a boring girl talaga as in I don't party or whatnot, I'm such a dork."

When I was younger, I wore it subtly but with arrogance. In my head, there was absolutely nothing wrong with me because in my head I was *silently kicking my former self in the shin* somewhat close to perfect. I prided myself in being the home you took home to mom ("Ay yeah I'm not getting any suitors right now kasi I'm the one you take to the altar and not the bed"). 

I was the poster girl of church smugness. I felt like I was better than everyone else because I didn't do the things that they did - I got straight As, treated everyone kindly, went to the gym, and completed the given hours at work. I was living up to the image of this perfect, Stepford wife church girl.

I was "pretending" to be humble because I was more Ayesha Curry than Kim Kardashian and / or Kehlani. I was taking pride in what I did that it made me feel extremely far off from what I thought my life was built on: Jesus.

Through the years and through many bumps on the road, Jesus exposed himself to me in ways that I have never experienced previously even if I grew up in church and read the Bible start to finish. I was walking with my head in the air thinking that I wasn't included in who Jesus came to save simply because I didn't have any like huge sins to speak of.

I knew of the Gospel, even preached it when given the chance but I never really knew the essence of it. I have been such a workhorse my entire life that the concept of simply receiving something without doing anything to earn it is astounding to me.

I have never, in my entire life, experienced a love like that. Despite growing up in church, I have only come to grasp the reality of Jesus in 2009 and it's humbling to know that there are still a lot of things I don't know about Him. It's also humbling to note that there are days when my former self takes over and I go back to thinking that I have to earn his love all over again. 

My warped view of the world, of having to appear perfect at all times, has made me doubt the wonderful news of who Jesus is, the great helper of my soul. I have somehow used my religion to prove that I was better than everyone else without realizing that just like everyone else I need a Savior too. 

No matter how little the things on the scorecard of life I crossed out, it wouldn't matter because at the end of the day what I do means nothing to the truth of what Jesus did for me.

On the busiest of days, I find it hard to grasp that there is a Savior who can get me through just about anything. As a busy bee, I have always disliked a "surrender to God" attitude, I have always relied on my own strength to get things done and the thought of having to rely on someone else have always made me feel inadequate.

However, I must remember that the only reason my life reflects any kind of significance is because of what God has done in my life and what He continues to do. 

It had nothing to do with my perfection or what I thought my label was. Jesus came to ostracise labels, beginning with the ones I gave to myself. 

The process of falling in love and entrusting my heart to someone else has exposed me to the reality of my own heart: I was difficult to love at times because I wasn't quick in accepting the love that God has given to me.

For the longest time, I wouldn't take constructive criticism nor did I accept that I had my own flaws. I worked on those flaws so they would disappear so the fact that someone loved me despite seeing all my rough edges is a truly humbling experience. How could someone love me even more despite my many imperfections? How could someone love me even if I have not been my kindest?

It pointed me back to the love God has given me through Jesus and tonight, the power has overwhelmed me and it's as if I'm falling in love with his truth all over again. 

Today for the first time ever I admit that I am not perfect and surviving life through the grace and power of Jesus Christ and for the first time ever, I wouldn't have it any other way.