Long before the term “blogger” was associated with
fashion, followers, and OOTD, blogging felt like a meditation, a different
world where people’s deepest thoughts were cataloged (lol, now we have Thought
Catalog but beside the point). Since the internet wasn’t readily available a
good 10 years ago (!!) and google search wasn’t on top of things yet, the
internet with all of its bloggers felt like a place where people hid and were
given the freedom to be completely who
they were.
When I started my first ever blog in 2004, I was an
overdramatic 16 year old who overdosed on novels, chick flicks, and One Tree
Hill. My head was in the clouds for the most part of Calculus and was always
dreaming of that “perfect” story we’ve all coined in our heads. While I do
regret being overly dramatic when I didn’t need to be, I don’t really resent it
simply because it was that melodramatic side of me that encouraged me to write.
Ten years later, blogging has taken an entirely different
turn. Suddenly, it was no longer an avenue to express what one was currently
feeling (why do you feel so much? Why must you share your feelings with the world?!)
but has turned into someone’s own empire. It has been an avenue of creativity,
and such a beautiful tool in getting talent out there and making people known.
I started this blog in a vain attempt to share my
misadventures. Every single emotion that has been translated into words and
poured into these virtual pages have always been from the heart. Whenever I
felt frustrated about something or someone and I couldn’t verbalize what I was
feeling, I turned to this blog in the hopes that that person would get to see
what was going on in the sometimes chaotic head of mine. While some may be
quick to say that social media allows us to put on a mask, I’ve stuck to my
guns and wrote what I was feeling – regardless of how it made me sound.
That being said (rather lengthily), this blog of mine has
witnessed so much about my life in the past ten years. Seriously, when the time
comes that I start dating, all the guy has to do is google search me and in an
instant, he would have my heart in his palm (Disclaimer: Please don’t. Allow me to tell my story in a way that only
I could today, my blog is of my past self, you fully have my present. NAKS!!!
So get off my page!).
Today
was a milestone.
But unlike what I expected it to be, it didn’t come with
fireworks (hey, a girl can dream!), nor did it come in the way that I wanted it
to. The only way I could explain it is through this quote from Evan Almighty (I
know, I know, where I get my wisdom from is so outstanding):
“Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”
Without going into the
details, I have been praying for something for the longest time. It’s something
that my heart has desired for a very long time (even as long as I have kept
this blog), and there were times when I almost had it but it turned out to be
nothing like I expected it to be.
I’ve never been the same
person since 2008, there were times that I’d see her and say hi to the optimistic
person that I was, but for the longest time I built extremely high walls that
ended up hurting other people, and myself. I was angry and bitter for the most
part. I was closed off, and took no risks. The little things offended me. I was
in a bad place, but nobody saw it because I never dared to open my eyes to the
pit that I was in. I was trying, believe me, I was. But it wasn’t enough simply
because I just kept putting a band aid on the affected area without healing it
completely.
But today, for the first
time since 2008, I finally felt that I have fully moved on from that dark
place. It took a good while (my good friends are probably saying, dammnit,
finally!), but I’m here and I don’t regret the journey.
Early into 2014, I
thought once again that finally that prayer was going to be answered, and it
was, but once again not entirely in a way that I wanted it to. But as cliché as
it may sound, it was exactly what I needed. I have come to realize that for the
first time in five years I took a genuine
risk and while it didn’t turn out the way I expected it to, my reaction was
proof of me being completely healed. I didn’t flip out, become bitter, or even
turned to what used to be my favorite activity: self-pity. And it feels awesome. It feels awesome to just let
life happen, and accept it for the way it is.
I still don’t have
everything I want at this moment, but that’s okay. Because I got my feet wet,
and I didn’t break down, in fact, it gave me a little more confidence and
opened my eyes to the reality of the situation. There are certain things that
are not in my control, and that’s okay. That sometimes things just don’t work
out, but it doesn’t mean because I don’t deserve it but because simply because
God has another story for me, something better than anything that I have asked
for, or even imagined. I just have to learn to trust the greatest storyteller
of all and believe that He knows what He is doing.
But for now, I've let it
all go and believe that truly, the best is yet to come.
Are you ready bloggy?
More awesome things ahead, thanks for keeping up with grumpy and sad me, now it’s
time for a change.
About time, huh?
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