I adore movies.
Just today, I went through three movies while working. I love getting lost in silly, nearly impossible moments and giggling like Tweety Bird until my face turns red.
Just like the rest of you, I absolutely adore dreaming of a life that just takes my breath away.
My fascination with a good chick lit/chick flick has its pros (for one thing it is what has inspired me to write) and its cons.
For the longest time my long standing love affair with the movies have blinded me into thinking that life was only meant to be lived a certain way and if it isn't that way then somehow we have failed.
I know most of you are probably thinking, "lady, it's just a movie!" but for a geek like me, those movies served as an escape. it was an alternative universe that I felt wasn't meant for me just because I am not your stereotypical heroine.
I've always thought that my life was going to be just like the movies. That when the time comes, when everything is just right and just before the credits roll, I will be walking hand in hand with the sunset with someone whisking me away.
Finito. Life is good.
I have always assumed that I would go through my 20s with someone and foolishly believed that life would be magical when someone finally sees beyond my huge glasses.
A bomb dropped today, not of the North Korea kind, in fact it didn't even make much of a commotion and yet it created a mini impact in my life, loud enough to make me contemplate it and thus blog about it tonight.
I just always thought that when this particular bomb dropped, I would be anchored by someone else. That the effect wouldn't matter as much simply because I had someone with me.
But life is funny at times and here I find myself holding on to nothing but my phone, furiously typing the words that you are reading now.
At first, I was crying but that doesn't really say much since I cry over everything and then in the midst of the tears, I found myself in the middle of my very own happy ending.
It may not be the one I have always hoped to have when I was sixteen but it is the one that has been given to me. It may not be an impressive ending fit for my favorite movies but the most I can say about it is that it's mine.
I'm often cryptic and deprecating towards myself but tonight I dare say that I am proud of myself because though I am alone, I am not, in any way depressed.
In fact, I am thanking God because in me I found a strength I would have otherwise never found and while there is no one holding my hand tonight, it doesn't make me feel ashamed or unwanted.
It actually makes me feel quite proud because I have chosen to take the road that does not rely on anyone to fix me. I may be hurting at this moment but at least it is my pain and i have taken the responsibility to make me okay again. It is not something I asked someone else to do for me.
I really can't brag about my self sufficiency because it really has nothing to do with my strength, but His strength working through me.
I surrendered all the pieces to Him and the most incredible thing happened, He began to heal me.
I once thought that surrendering the pieces to Him meant Jeremy Lin showing up on my doorstep (pagbigyan!) but again, God's plans are greater than my own.
God didn't give me someone because He knew that when He created in me, He created me with a strength strong enough to weather anything on my own.
God saw my strength way before I did and that's just the kind of God He is.
He pushes us to the edge not because He wants us to fall but because He wants to show us that we can fly.
Him healing my heart did not include another human being, very much unlike my daydreams but it included something more: a stronger sense of self, a stronger sense of purpose and a stronger sense of value that nobody can ever take away from me.
And at this moment, I wouldn't trade that for all the hand holding in the world.
For the first time in a long time, I can actually say "I'm okay" and mean it.
Special thanks to Kaye Matriano whose song "Already Taken" served as the soundtrack of this blog entry. Check it out here: http://m.soundcloud.com/kaye-matriano/truth-is-youre-already-taken-1