Earlier today, I decided to leave my phone at home while I went to the gym and had breakfast with my parents. For most people who know me that may come as a surprise because they know that I am never without my phone. I've always been addicted to catching up with people over the million messaging apps now readily available but as I get older, I realize that nothing beats face to face interaction with someone.
In the window after the gym and right before my parents arrived, I had a few precious minutes by myself which I spent browsing through the newspaper and just sitting silently while waiting for my order. It felt heavenly and that's when I realized that maybe, my friends were right, I have been way too attached to my gadget and it has been giving me the heevies (I don't know what that word is, it just came out right). So today, it felt good to just be. And then today as I whipped up the articles required of me, I realized I also missed simply blogging without riding it out on an angle or a word count requirement. I am so blessed with the many things that I am doing but wearing so many hats can be quite tiresome at times.
It's like you're constantly being pulled in different directions with each hat requiring a different persona, not in a fake way, but in a way that requires something different from you each time. There are deadlines to meet, meetings to attend, people to respond to, and places to be. I am also so blessed to have the relationships in my life flourish, but as with anything in life, each relationships requires a different understanding as well. I don't know about you but I always give my 101% when it comes to interacting with the people I allow into my life. There's no "safe" zone with me so when people say, "leave some for yourself", I always give them a puzzled look because honestly, I don't know how to do that.
But today, I left all those behind and just simply turned to this window that has been a solace for me for so long.
I recall being an extremely dorky 16 year old tucked away in the corner of the library typing furiously away on this very same blog and relished in it because we didn't have internet connection at home. I recall my classmates graciously fooling around while I typed my angst away. Even as a child, my head has constantly been in the clouds and I've always been an idealist. Recalling my former self reminded me of why I loved writing so much: it simply took me away to another place and gave me the chance to be who I really was. I never quite fit in anywhere and up to this day, a weird part of me never will.
I am turning the big 2-7 in a few weeks and while I am prepping for an upcoming vacation, I couldn't help but feel a bit nostalgic and emo because you know, here it goes again, another year of my life that is about to unfold. 26 was a BIG year for me in terms of self-discovery and relishing new experiences. This year, God has answered my prayers in more ways than I can count, but I have come to realize that the biggest gift he has given me this year is the revelation that He is enough.
Growing up in a Christian home has given me a clear description of who Jesus is but I never fully understood His nature until I went through several instances that has pushed me to the wall. Ironically, the darkest days of being 26 were on the days where I thought I had it all. It was in having everything that I have ever wanted and wished for that I realized that nothing external can replace receiving the full love of Jesus Christ. You can truly gain the whole world and yet lose your soul with Christ.
I was also blessed enough to experience being appreciated this year. This may seem like a revelation to those who have been adored their entire life, but for a dork like me, it comes once in a blue moon. All the cliches were true, napakasarap pala to be appreciated and at times, adored. When I was in high school, I thought that was what would make me happy on the inside. But again I realized that apart from the love of Jesus, nothing will truly satisfy because you would constantly be living in the fear of missing what was making you whole at the moment. But I'm grateful for it but another lesson is sometimes what you want is not what you need. And if you're not happy without, you won't be happy with.
I am also amazed at all the relationships God has sent my way this year. These are friendships that I have just once prayed for. But the biggest lesson in all of this is this gem if you want to have friends, you have to become one and you have to learn to accept people for who they are. By expecting less and working more on becoming grateful (ie: ano ba yan hindi ako kinakamusta has turned into wow, thanks for thinking of me) friendships are easier to keep track of and maintain. In becoming what I sought others to be, I have found myself in the middle of meaningful relationships I have only dreamt of as a child.
And lastly, I have learned the true meaning of being alone and actually enjoy being where you are at the present moment. I have never been a serial dater or a serial relationship-er (it's a thing, believe me) but I've always been a serial crush-er. From the moment I fell in love with Gabby in preschool (where are you now?! haha), I have always crushed on someone and spent ample times of my day wishing he liked me back. Napaka story book cliche ko noon, but last night as I was telling a good friend, I find myself without a crush and to me, it's extremely liberating simply because I am no longer living in fear of growing old alone because case in point, it's not the worst thing in the world.
In as much as I would like to continue this, I have to let it go for now (among other things) to go and prep to watch a movie and a basketball game, you know where real life happens. So just in case you came across this and you are sad, don't lose heart, God is making all things work together for the good so simply rest in Him.