The first hello is one of the things you take with you, that mystical moment when you feel that maybe this time, it will be what I have always hoped it to be.
Tomorrow, it will be exactly one year since I've felt that way. And in as much as I would like to tell you that I finally got a hello that turned into a forever, I got quite the opposite.
It has been, to say at the very least, a very exhaustive year. And as I write this in church, I couldn't help but to be honest with you, this year tested my faith and all the things I believed in since I was a child and made me wonder if all of this was for nothing.
I look back to this weekend a year ago and couldn't help but feel a bit sad for my then 25 year old self. She was so excited, so full of hope.
Fast forward to a year later and all I have are memories and a despondent feeling that dwindles between sadness and relief.
Again, it has been a crazy year.
But as I sit in church and silently weep over what has transpired in the past year, I couldn't help but feel grateful.
Ironically, it was that unanswered prayer a year ago that changed my life's perspective changed drastically. It was what gave me a deeper understanding of who Jesus is and how powerful His love is, most especially on days when I am so angry at Him I can't even breathe a prayer. Today, the walls came tumbling down and I faced what I tried to run away from all year: my own disappointment with God.
I know deep in my heart that the answered prayers outweigh that huge unanswered one but as a human being, I can't help but cry a bit.
Yet, in all of this, I remain amazed at the true power of God's love. That despite my questions, my disappointment, and my stubbornness, He has remained the same, my Abba who wants to give me His absolute best.
And I rest, for the first time in a year, I rest. Because now I know that even if I don't get the thing I want most, I will be okay because I have in my heart the One who matters most: Jesus.
And one day, I will look back and say, He truly knew better than me and all of this will seem trivial.
Until then I keep looking forward to hellos because one day, it will finally be the hello meant for me.
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