While it would be sassy to say I stayed away from sharing my thoughts on purpose, (actually I was prepping to be a fashion blogger haha😁) that isn't really true. You see for the first time in forever, I was overwhelmed by the thoughts consuming me. And while we're only veering towards the 4th month of 2014, it was as if I've spent a lifetime battling wars I shouldn't have engaged in in the first place.
Truth be told, I honestly don't understand where the chaos came from, however, I do know in my heart that it was necessary.
I entered into 2014 with a hopeful heart. In my head, I felt like finally, my most fervent prayer was going to be answered (previous posts reflect what that is). However, we all know that when we try to dictate the hows, the whens, and the whos (ouch!), God swoops in and does something entirely different.
Being the obedient child that I am, I wrestled with God and the answers He was giving me. His answers were nowhere near the picture perfect life I imagined my life to be, instead, it was the exact opposite.
For the longest time, I questioned what I've done (or didn't do) to deserve the empty prayers (I was just too blind to see that God was answering miraculously!) without realizing that my Abba knew the best for me even before I realized it myself. What I was asking for was only going to lead to my ruin, I didn't see it then, and I don't clearly see it now but I trust Him.
But more than that, what I could truly thank God for is all the changes He did on the inside-- there have been deep scars that have twisted how I depicted how life should be and without the blinders, I see clearly now and most importantly, I could sense His love clearly now. There is so much joy in my heart now that I wish I could translate to words but God's love is bigger than any words I could ever muster on my own.
And while I couldn't describe it, I pray for you to experience this great love and joy by experiencing the truth of Jesus. It's joy that goes beyond any understanding and any circumstance. It's joy that is renewed every morning because God knows we use it all up in one day (on busy days, I need two refills or more!) but it's the constant thing in life.
So despite the scars, the tears, and the long fought battle, I'm grateful for those 3 months because if I didn't go through such chaos, life as I now know it would be different.
And right now, I wouldn't have it any other way.