I can't believe I haven't written in awhile!
It's safe to say that it has been one hell of a week.
And while I don't want to get into the nitty gritty details of what's been happening both on the outside and the inside, I couldn't help but want to write.
Write about nothing in particular, however, the incessant tapping has kept me sane most of my life so here goes something totally unplanned, penning away thoughts that don't form into one big swoop. Writers always go for the big swoop, that aha, that moment where every word on every page, and in every chapter comes together into one giant bow and finally the reader gets where all is heading to.
From the get go, we wish life to be that way. Growing up an absurdly optimistic little child, I've always longed for that bow, that final oomph where everything falls into place and everything makes perfect sense.
That has always been my go to move of choice: when things don't go my way, or when my heart is broken or when i break someone else's (insert my smug really face here but for the essence of a little drama, let's throw it in there) I always think there's a higher purpose, this will make sense.
I've always had that strong, utter belief that everything will fit together just like that Lego House everyone keeps harping about. What I failed to realize is that on the way to that place where everything is just together, people get hurt, people fall apart, people are betrayed, and a lot, and I mean a lot of tears fall.
Soon enough, we find ourselves too wounded to go on. And while most of us won't admit it, one day we'd have to when we find ourselves breaking down, either by directing our pent up rage over something rather insignificant or just crying over something that wasn't supposed to be sad anyway.
The thing is, we're all scarred. We all have battle scars, and while some people have that great ability to recover quickly, all our pain is somehow hidden inside, we push it away until we couldn't anymore.
So what exactly do we do? CONFRONT IT.
The only way we can truly correct something and heal from it is if we confront the reality of what it is. The reality of how much it hurt us, how much we have been let down by something or someone, and how much it has transformed us.
Paulo Coelho was right when he said, "Don't allow your wounds to transform you into someone you're not" because that's what pain does, it turns us into little monsters if we allow it to.
And while I am not an expert on this, I'd like to believe that confronting it from the get go instead of constantly hiding from it would make us better people in the end, instead of constantly hiding from it. Accepting reality is the first step, and shamefully so, something I haven't done in the past.
But, I have resolved that in order to get to the part where everything falls into place and makes perfect sense, I have to take charge and make who I am today better. And when I say better, I do mean digging deep and getting things done. And it's never easy, it's messy and often, it seems easier to run away, but trust me your future self would be extremely proud of you being strong enough to get dirty.
So while there's a lot of things to get done, a lot of things to confront, and a lot of things to improve on, I'm not disheartened simply because I know I was strong enough to begin and I will not just get through, I'm going to win.