Lies & Goodbyes

I have been trying to write this blog entry since Tuesday but couldn't seem to find the perfect words to do so.

I am a creature of habit & often have difficulty letting go or say goodbye simply because I have been used to it. I often confuse familiarity with purpose or loyalty.

Saying goodbye is never easy, especially to something that you have invested so much time and energy in.

But dwelling on the sadness of goodbye often robs us of the joy of a new beginning.

So many people wake up each day praying for a clean break & here I am saddened by an unexpected goodbye when I should see it as God's way of moving me towards a new chapter of my life.

While pondering on what to write, I have also dealt with other numerous thoughts that could also be filed under "to let go of".

I am quick to declutter my physical things but often find it difficult to declutter my thoughts, I have often struggled with going back to what has hurt me in the past while trying to live a completely free life.

While watching a distraught family drama of a powerful show business clan, I found myself wondering how long this specific clan has harbored on to past pain in order to justify today's actions.

I was suddenly struck with a chilling thought, how many of my past hurts & pain are still holding me crippled today? How many of what has been done to me still affect me today? Do I still use it to justify my irresponsible actions? Am I using what has been done to me to hurt other people? What cycle am I perpetuating?

I have come to realize that life is both controllable and uncontrollable.

I can choose to dwell on how unfairly I have been treated or I can choose to let it go, thank God for the lessons & move on.

I must admit, I haven't made the best choices in this area. I often justified my pain & I take the bullets out when I need to justify my not so responsible behavior.

I'm turning 25 soon & Iron Man may have released its last movie so I believe it's time for me to grow up and man up, so to speak.

I no longer want to be a victim of what's been done to me because God knows I have also done foolish things, but now I choose to look forward in faith and forgive myself for what I've done wrong and forgive others for whatever wrong they have caused me.

The only person who can change the course of my life is me.

I can choose to trust in God's plan for me and discern His purpose or I can choose to remain the sullen girl who cries every night over something that has been over a long time ago.

It's time to get a grip & be the strong woman I only once wished I could be.