Tuesday, March 05, 2013
Breaking The Hiatus
I know I am supposed to go on a ten day social media hiatus and I am currently on Day 5 so obviously I did not make it through the ten days.
I felt however an urgent need to write what I am about to write so here goes.
I was in a really emotional state last week in a way that I haven't been in awhile. I recall becoming intensely emotional when I was in my very early 20s (I had to include very cause I feel that I am still in my "early" 20s mwahahaha) but last week was just horrible.
And while I cannot tell you the reasons why I was in over my head, I can tell you that I did not like the monster that I was that came as an effect of it. I was irritable, mad, angry and did not find any reason to get up in the morning and for someone who is Little Miss Sunshine 24/7 that is a major blow simply because I have always thought of myself as a highly optimistic person. Also, I was complaining from panic attacks, anxiety and tension headaches. I was definitely not myself and despised the person that I was becoming.
So I thought that in order to regain some clarity, I needed to disappear. And that's what I did. Since Sunday, I have hauled myself at home, refusing to do work and giving myself the much needed rest by reading, running (naksss) and just drowning myself in my weekly shows (Schmidt, you lifesaver).
I have come to the conclusion that I am a workaholic and working non stop has taken its toll. While I would like to end this entry with that and still have some ounce of dignity, I'd rather not hide and slink away. You see, this blog entry is quite difficult to write simply because I tend to bottle my emotions and instead of explaining myself, I ask people to leave.
And while this blog may not be a fashion blog or a blog read by millions, I have always kept at it out of the hope that my silly misadventures will bring a smile to one tired soul.
So that being said, I will try to be very honest while being very vague as well, I am still very privy about what I reveal online since I know how this whole thing can boomerang: been there, done that.
So anyway, back to the topic.
You see I don't know if my anger last week was out of the frustration of not having something I have always, always, pretty please with a cherry on top wanted since I was like fourteen or if it was hormonal because it's that time of the month or if it was a mix of both.
While I went through the normal process of rejection (again, I can't tell you exactly what form of rejection this was, i'll leave it up to you to decide), I also realized how my anger could be potentially dangerous! I was telling my brother that if it weren't for Jesus, I would have strangled people already.
Sometimes when we get caught up in our justification of pain, we lose our heads and often times, instead of facing what is wrong with us, we go ahead and rant about what is wrong with the world. And although, it may or may not be valid, I do believe that there are days when we justify our anger and our pain and instead of taking a good look at ourselves to see if there are things we can adjust (like handling how we handle our situations) we point our fingers somewhere else.
My anger is justified. My pain is justified. I am allowed to feel this way. I have the right to this pain.
And oh man, that pain is DESTRUCTIVE! Now I get why villains are so vicious -- pain has a way of doing that, of twisting normal people and turning them into monsters.
Man, I wish I could share with you the thoughts I've had in the past 24 hours, but I would rather not because this is an upbeat and happy blog.
Speaking of placing the blame somewhere else, a hurt and insecure person's first shield against pain is by blaming someone who we think stole what we wanted. It doesn't matter if what you wanted was never yours in the first place or if the person has any idea who we are but it hurts so we exert revenge by putting that other person down thinking that they deserve it.
We forget that that person is a person just like us with insecurities, struggles and moments of pain. We dehumanize them and think they don't deserve happiness and we do.
Ah, the web we weave out of anger and spite.
Earlier while I was spewing less than stellar comments about someone who I'd rather not name, I felt something inside of me that went something along the lines of "She has a story and she deserves her fairy tale ending as much as you do."
I was angry and did not want to acknowledge it. I want to savor and delight in my anger -- I thought that was power, but I was actually giving mine away.
It may take awhile for me to fully process that statement but my heart has accepted it more or less and I believe this is where healing begins.
As I told you, this is not the prettiest blog entry I have ever written but it is the most honest I have ever been in ages.
God is good -- despite all of that and my constant pleadings for Him to answer my selfish prayers, He goes ahead, turns my world around and saves me from myself instead.
The process is messy and I apologise for the less than stellar blog entries, but I promise that once I get over this and I will because I am determined to win this battle.
And let me just say that once I have listened to that voice instead of constantly drowning it with my own, I felt peace that has not been there in the midst of the chaos and suddenly, listening to that voice has been worth it!
Ah! Such freedom!
So I don't know if I have found the reason why I went on a media hiatus and I am not saying that I will once again go all out on all social media, but I have found my voice again and I'd like to think that my blog needed to hear it.
Here's a toast to all the great blog entries ahead. I am absolutely EXCITED.