I have been trying to write this blog entry for days but I always ended up being sidetracked or a bit scared in posting this, however, today felt like the day I should finally write it, so here goes.
Truth is, life and love are interrelated. I'd like to believe that even the most cynical person on earth has a need for a love and you couldn't go about your daily lives without it.
Life & Love.
That's really what it's all about. You get up in the morning because for the things you love doing and for the people you love.
It is quite simple.
However, in the everyday hustle and bustle of the day, we often get lost in the conundrum of to-do lists, takeout menus and meetings that we forget just how important love is in everything that we do.
Life's daily challenges however, has a way of sucking us dry of any love that changes the world and we spend our days well-spent and well, running on empty.
I've had those days just recently and it felt like the entire last quarter of the year is dedicated to emptying my love tank. It was insane! My normal, chirpy self was just deflated and so depressed I couldn't even enjoy The Big Bang Theory (the horror, I know!) and one day, I just broke down in a way that I haven't in a really long time.
It wasn't pretty. There were tears and raised voices and thinking back on my Dawson's Creek day 2012 just makes me feel nauseous all over again.
And that's what I realized that loving others is a task so big that we need someone beyond ourselves to actually get it done.
I have also come to realize that our love tank can only run as far as self love tank could take it.
Truth is, I love taking care of people. I absolutely adore taking care of others and most importantly, I love them to the core, leaving nothing to myself.
I have come to realize that while it was "noble", it was also quite disengaging simply because it felt like a drug.
My loving and taking care of people were so out of control that I forgot to take care of one person: me.
I kept giving and giving in the hopes that I would get something back (not proud of it, but hey, i'm human) and I felt like I was addicted to it and probably one other thing: approval.
I really can't tell you a sob story as to why I have (had?) the need to please people or make sure that they were happy. When asked, I never saw this as a weakness but as a strength, I believe that it takes a great amount of strength to love people even though they have told me countless times that they could handle it themselves.
It didn't paint a pretty picture and I have come to realize that trying to gain others' approval, without me approving myself was a dangerous thing to be in.
It was as if I wounded myself and instead of allowing it to heal, I turned to other things to make me feel better. Instead of getting to the core of the issue, I just dilly-dallied and buried it under the sand thinking this would make it go away.
But that Dawson's Creek Day 2012 made me rethink my choices and made me wonder why I was so angry. I have come to realize that I was expecting people to love me and at the same time, resenting them when they didn't.
Again, not pretty, but hey just in case you're going through the same thing, you're not alone!
It made me realize the importance of loving myself and the importance of knowing myself.
People pleasing and approval addiction is ridiculous. It makes us bend over backwards (which really makes us better people) for people who wouldn't even lift a finger for us.
Now, I still believe in loving the unlovable, but really to what extent? It also made me realize that thinking so lowly of myself would only make me accept bread crumbs when I should really be served a feast (hey, you do too!).
You see, if we continually keep quiet in a corner and don't voice what we say out of the fear that we will not be loved if we do, we're going to just BURST may it be through a drama rama filled breakdown or some other vicious way.
Also, despising ourselves also make us push people away. We never give them the chance to see us for who we really are out of the fear that they will just leave. And all of this we blame on those who left us before.
Like I've said in previous entries, it is ridiculously important for us to love ourselves. It is important for us to see ourselves the way God sees us (see Psalm 139) and if we would get anything of importance done in the world, we must wholly love and accept who we are, dimpled thighs and all.
I know society has placed in us of how we should look or act in order to be loved and adored (why do we want to be adored? that's reserved for just the man up there!) and you know what? We ALL fall short of it and that shouldn't make us think less of ourselves.
We should be strong enough to remind ourselves that despite what has happened to us, what we have done or what was done to us, we still have it in us to become the beautiful gems God created us to be.
And in becoming less critical of ourselves, love in our life will not be such a challenge.
Come on, think about it.
Where do all the quarrels in our lives come from? Doesn't it come from not wanting to be hurt and protecting our ego? Don't we hurt others because we don't want to get first? Doesn't it all this come from wanting to be accepted? Of our wanting to become better than others? Isn't this what pushes us to lie, steal, brag and just be downright vicious. We do all these things because we have this need to protect ourselves from getting hurt.
At the same time, on the opposite end of the spectrum, where does our self-pity come from? In thinking that we are not enough and self-pity basically robs you of the person God made you to be and the work that He has anointed you to do. Self-pity also CRAVES for love from other people and once again, there goes the resentment.
It's a cycle.
I often find the need to be reminded daily that I am loved not because of what I do or what I look like but just because.
I also strongly believe that LOVE, real, raw, unadulterated love changes and heals people. That REAL LOVE allows us to see ourselves the way God sees us and soon be free of all these chains of viciousness that is in our lives.
This kind of love frees us from all that we do that damages us (and others) and just assures us that we have more than enough love to give around. It is quite safe to say that we can only give out what we have inside of us and no matter how much we try to hide it, we can NEVER escape the consequences of harboring such bitterness and self-loathing.
The only way we can allow others to love us and eventually, live a life of love, is by knowing in our hearts that we DESERVE to be loved.
As we grow strong in the people God created us to be, we're hardly offended anymore because we're relying on a greater God to get us through and to make us victorious.
You are perfect, just the way you are, now show the world what you've got!