|Photo Source: http://blog.vyrso.com/2012/07/24/redeemed-from-the-wreckage/ Awesome blog entry about being redeemed in Christ!|
In as much as I love John Mayer and his music, I was quite appalled with the way he broke up with Katy Perry over e-mail.
And it wasn't just the medium he used, but what he told her.
Basically, she told her she was fat.
It may seem like a childish, juvenile remark that I dismissed the rest of the day but as I was preparing to go to bed, I realized that the situation hit way too close to home.
How broken can a man be that the only way to mend himself is to break other people as well?
In truth, verbal abuse and I don't mean to belittle physical abuse because both are completely wrong, takes a longer time to heal because just when you're about to heal, something reminds you of what has been said before and you're back in square one.
I had hesitations about writing this blog entry because for me it comes across as too weak. However, if this blog entry could help even just one person, then showing my weakness was by all means worth it.
Thing is, in the past four years, I cannot name all the diets and workout routines that I have been on. I can also tell you how many ways I have tried to runaway from meeting people simply because I never thought I was deserving or skinny enough to be liked.
Ghosts continued to haunt me every time I met someone new, "You're never ever going to be liked. You're dreaming too big. Your waist is too wide. You're not smart enough. You're going to fail again."
And I do take responsibility for it. I take responsibility for the fact that I allowed it to affect me for as long as it did.
I know that I am loved and on most days, I never even given the voices a second thought.
Today was not one of those days.
Today, I broke down and cried because I felt like I was a failure for not looking perfect enough. The pressure to look a certain way before being accepted was immense.
And then for the first time in four years (slow? yes?), I have come to question myself why I disliked/loathed myself this much.
Was it because of the way I allowed myself to be treated for two years? Was it because I allowed the comments to seep into my subconscious for two years after completely ignoring the fact that God told me that I am loved and that I am worth it?
Truth be told, I know that I am not the only woman on this planet to be told so many lies by men who are so broken that their main goal is to break others as well. Men whose egos need to be constantly stroked that they get a different kind of high when they manipulate, control and demean women. They do this so often that their other half is no longer recognizable.
My heart bleeds for these women simply because God never intended His princesses to be treated that way and you know what girls?
You are not a victim, you have control over anyone who is in your life and you are not helpless. You have the power to stand up and say, "I'm not going to allow you to tell me how I should or should not feel about myself."
It's not easy. It took me a good four years to even realize that I've been damaged way beyond recognition. The kind of damage that twisted my thinking, a damage so deep that I didn't even realize it was happening.
For four years I have been maligned to think that I would never be good enough for anything. I didn't have it in me to be loved (biggest lie on earth) nor was I good enough to actually be something in life.
What I didn't realize is that that person needed me to be small so he can remain big. He needed me to be small so he can maintain his control over me. A good two years after, he still has control over me because I see his face in every guy I meet and every time I look at myself in the mirror. His shadow was constantly there telling me I would never amount to anything. That he was the thing in my life worth something.
As I write this, I am thanking God that He saved me from that person. And I truly have no ill feelings towards him, I only wish him well, I wish him healing so that the cycle no longer continues.
At the same time, I continue to pray that I see myself the way God sees me and this is not meant in an arrogant manner.
I wish to see myself the way God sees me because I know that once I do, I break the cycle. I break the cycle of hurting other people so I feel good about myself. When I learn to fully love myself and accept my flaws will I only be able to love others for their flaws and mistakes as well.
Also, when I learn to love myself and learn to depend on God for everything, I no longer seek out for approval or love from other people, instead I find ways to love and make them feel good about who God created them to be.
It won't happen overnight, but I'm determined to see it happen by the grace of God. I know that with him, all things are possible.
It's time for me to step into the goodness of God and it's time for YOU to know that you are valuable, you are loved and Jesus went through SO much to heal you and complete you. Don't allow anyone to take God's joy away from you.
His joy is rightfully yours. Nobody supplies you with that joy because God has given you more than enough of it.
It is HIS joy that strengthens us, no one else's.
And it may seem like a bonus, but I am looking forward to the day when someone will see me the way God sees me. That that person will not look at me and judge me based on what I do or the way I look but will love me simply because I am me.
And I wish the same for you.
And I know that this is not wishful thinking.
Stop thinking that you don't deserve a love like that because YOU ABSOLUTELY DO. You deserve a love that treats you like a princess because that is the way God sees you.
Until then, rest in the beautiful promises of God and rest in knowing that even on your own you are worth to be celebrated and you are worth a lot in God's eyes.
Let go of what's holding you back and move forward into what God has for you, trust me whatever you're holding on to has nothing on what God has prepared for you.
Cheer up beautiful. YOU ARE LOVED. And no, God did not create you to be small. He created you to make a difference so get out of that relationship and be the person God intends you to be.
Through His strength, you can do all things.
“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
trade the creation just for you."
- Isaiah 43:2-4