"I've decided that there's nothing better left to do than go ahead and have a good time and make the most we can out of life. That's it-- eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift."
- Ecclesiastes 3:12-13 (MSG)
" I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear."
- Ecclesiastes 3:14 (MSG)
My heart, for some weird reason, is brimming.
And it could be the tremendous amounts of coffee I had today or endorphin or whatever but I can't complain because despite the circumstances surrounding me, I remain still because I know that whatever it is that is going on externally, I know God's peace and plan is superior to all of it.
And what makes it even funnier is the fact that this is all strangely new to me.
You see I relish in taking control of things: where my life is going, who i'm going to spend it with and all the dates are marked off in my calendar highlighted in several shades. Being in control meant that everything was perfect and being in control meant that I don't get hurt. I was perfect and I get to keep the perfect relationships in my life.
I also didn't realize that while I was yes in fact not getting hurt, my heart was also not alive.
I believe that each and everyone of us has that part of wanting to be in control so that we know exactly what to prepare for and what to avoid. I was so pressured by the time table that I have created for myself and the ideals that I've set in my heart that I no longer enjoyed life. Life was becoming a drag because it wasn't anything like what I expected it to be in my head.
That was when I realized that maybe life isn't perfect. Of course, I knew this, but I thought that I could navigate my way through it -- turns out, I couldn't.
Life is messy-- but that's what makes it beautiful.
And i'm not saying that in a cliche way like they do at the end of Dawson's Creek or Grey's Anatomy, I'm simply stating a fact I have learned (the hard way?) through time.
I guess, I was living my life taking minimal risks that yielded very minimal results. Simply because I had envisioned a certain kind of life, I was no longer open to other opportunities, I was missing out on so much just because I had an ideal.
I guess what Bo Sanchez said was true, that yes, we do have dreams and we fight for our dreams everyday, but we must be open to two things: God's timing and God's better plan.
You see, the main reason we love control so much is because we don't trust. I believe that most of our control issues sprout from deeply rooted trust issues. And sometimes, our trust issues is carried on in our relationship with God.
For the most part of this year, I have struggled with God in the definition of His best and everyday, it was a battle. A battle that was difficult to wrestle with simply because I was missing the mark.
I needed to have a good opinion of God while trusting Him with the outcome of my life. I may not know all the details of my future but God has promised so many times in the Bible that His plans for me are good and yet, on a daily basis, I wrestled with what he meant by "good". I always thought that just because I prayed for it or wished it into being, it would happen.
I didn't understand that what may seem like a good thing may actually tremendously hurt me in the long run. I've held on to ideals and daydreams instead of surrendering them to God and letting things be.
It was like I was on a treadmill, running profusely without actually having a destination. I was strapped in my own cage, without even realizing that the cage was not locked anyway.
Yes, I do have big dreams and I know that my God makes dreams come true everyday, but that doesn't mean that all of my dreams would come true-- some of my dreams are futile, but God's dreams for me are not.
So lately, I have come to rest in that goodness, and I know i've said it before, but it is quite a different thing when you live it everyday. There's that certain kind of peace in the morning when you know that whatever happens in the day, God is in control and He will never harm us in any possible way and He wouldn't break our heart without the intention of putting it back together, making it work better than it ever did before (and most of the things that break our hearts was out of our own choices, not what God has intended).
I guess, the reason we try to control things is because we don't want to get hurt.
But what is the big deal about getting hurt anyway? What's the big deal about crying a few tears?
From what I've experienced, all those nights of crying and tearing my journals were actually meant for something-- they actually made me draw closer to God because truly He is the only one who can make sense out of the mess that is my life.
And no, I'm not saying that you should go out and YOLO every chance you get, but what I'm saying is, if you love control just like I do then most likely you're afraid to take risks, truth is, most of the big things God has for us starts with a step (remember Peter on water-- yep, me too!) and requires a great risk on our part.
As an example, loving people involves taking risks. A person could be perfect and yet still hurt us. That's just the way it is, but do we give up on experiencing something beautiful just because we might get hurt at the end of the day?
I dare say that losing control and letting ourselves enjoy the moment -- whatever that moment may entail is a true act of bravery. That not knowing what happens next, yet still praising God all throughout the experience is courage and being happy despite an unexpected outcome is joy that cannot be taken.
So, I dare you to take more risks today, wherever part of the world you are in-- welcome a new friend, take a different route to work, order something different from McDonald's, love someone wholeheartedly without expecting anything in return and pray boldly, bolder than you have ever had before and simply put your heart in God's hand knowing that your Maker knows exactly what to with it and ultimately, your life as well.
Take that step. It's worth.