Wednesday, February 01, 2012
it is safe to say that i am quite a different person from the person i was in your year.
that year is something that i can pick up from the 2000s simply because it was the year that defined me-- or maybe it is safer to say that it was the year that jump started what i now call the real journey of my life.
so many times i relive the things that has happened in that year and i wonder, albeit so secretly, what if I had the chance to get it all right?
this is possibly the first (?) and last time that I would say this so openly simply because i do believe that talking about the past does no good, but just to get this blog entry rolling (and stop me from blabbing) , it was in this year that i met the boy who i thought would change my life (in a good, kate middleton kind of way). i had stars in my eyes and a heart for a brain, but to cut the story short, he did change my life but not in the way that i expected him to.
to be honest 2008, you were kind of cruel. maybe because i was cruel to myself as well and now, i'm glad that all things worked together for good (Romans 8:28) but there is no way I am going back to the person I used to be in that year.
but that wasn't the way it always was.
i had my heart broken for the first time ever and to be honest, at first i wanted desperately to have something that obviously wasn't meant for me and to run away from that pain, i decided to wait on that person to come back, but alas it has been four years and here you know what, it is time to let that fantasy go.
sad and embarrassingly enough that wasn't just the fantasy i've had-- over the years, although i've kept my heart closet at bay, my choices in who I liked reflected a rather embarrassing fantasy-- to choose someone better than him to show him that he made a mistake, not me.
but God is good and love us too much to leave as as are and i may have never understood it in the many times in between then and now as to why He never made those relationships work but now I know.
i have come to realize that what I was looking for a partner had nothing to do with the qualities that God wanted me to have in myself and what I had to find in someone else in order to live a life that glorifies Him, even in my relationships.
it has been a long journey, 2008 but I daresay that I finally have gathered the courage to step out of the "fantasy" that you've kept me in for so long, a fantasy that is devoid of depth and real love as given freely by the Father.
i also daresay 2008 that I am no longer lonely and I no longer search for my sense of self in other people. instead, i find it in the One who created me.
so 2008, my heart has been battered and torn into pieces since i entered into that year, now it's the time for it to mend, heal and be taken care of by the One who loves me the most and until He tells me to open my heart again, I will be keeping it close at bay to be used by Him and for Him-- the only one who can restore my soul and make me feel complete.
Alas, truly, good bye 2008 and all the memories you had for me, I only take with me the lessons and the memories of how life was when I was in the driver's seat.
It is time for me to live fully for the One who created me and if He wishes me to share this journey with someone else, He will set up the circumstances and the right people, but until then, I am throwing away the key and running free solely to be loved by Him the one who gave His all for me.
Undeserved but yes, all for me.