Tuesday, September 06, 2011
what's the big deal about rejection?
"Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." - James 1:2-4 (MSG)
a leap. a risk. free-fall.
whenever people talk about risks, it often involves something daring like skydiving or joining Fear Factor.
however, today, the leap that God wanted me to do was minimal at the least, a humbling experience at the most.
i cannot specify the details of this little gravity-defying stunt, but i can tell you one thing, it is something that i would have not done a year ago.
the most i can say about it however is this: it is better to know and it is better to accept the truth.
i grew up a daydreamer to a fault. i always assumed that just because i would dream it to happen, it would happen one day in the exact same way i pictured it in my head.
safe to say that i never really outgrew it until such time that i had to- specifically today.
i've been battling about something and until today, i honestly thought that i could not control the emotions i felt about it, but through much prayer, tears and obedience (that came really late), i have learned to let it go.
for one thing, i have learned yet again to humble myself. i cannot go into details as to how, when, where, why but i can tell you one thing, we never know just how prideful we are until God challenges it. there are times when only one area is gutted by pride and today God broke through that area. it was not the easiest thing, but it was what had to be done. i have not felt this freedom since May. it's like i've been living under such dark clouds that suddenly parted and shed some light.
in the name of Jesus, I have absolutely nothing to prove. i don't have to prove that i am a certain way or prove to people that i am a certain person. Jesus will take care of how people think of me as long as I obey Him and as long as i am walking with Him, these things shouldn't really matter.
dumbfounded by pride, i thought i have sailed past these 'prideful' issues, but once again, a semi-heartbreak brings it to light. i am so insignificant with Jesus, but thankfully, with Him on my side, I am loved by Him and as He cleanses my heart , i learn that it is more than enough.
at the beginning of this month, i wished for nothing but for someone to notice me. for someone to break the cycle and notice the girl behind the glasses. i wanted that person to move past my betty la fea moments and see me for me.
there was a lot of confusion, because unknowingly, i was once again searching in someone else what I can only find in Jesus-- unconditional love and acceptance.
sometimes, you have to go through something excruciatingly painful and embarrassing in order for Jesus to break through. for the longest time i hid behind my mask of pretense, my mask of rather fake humility and my mask of feeling like i was better than anyone else without realizing that the only thing that I could truly boast about is the fact that Jesus died for someone like me.
looking at it from that perspective turned me inside out. i may have not gotten what i wanted (yet again, i say this with no bitterness this time, just a little laughter bubbling on the inside) but i know that i am growing. that getting what i wanted was not worth the lesson i learned today.
i pray that today begins what would be a new chapter of my life-- one that is not taunted by rejection but one of peace, now that i have once again rediscovered the art of finding who i am in Jesus.
it is probably not the easiest thing and it is probably already funny that i have to go through this again within a six month period but i believe that God is good and He does not delight when His children are crying, i know that there is a purpose for the pain (and slight humiliation) but I'm holding my chin up a little higher because there is something to be said about going through something that you have once feared, facing it head on and coming out bruised, battered but better.
again, i am refined in a way that only Jesus can refine a person.